It happens to everyone, male or female, at some point every week. Now, an anecdote about somebody at the show being frustrated and feeling cheated is hardly worth mentioning. No offence to Kattan, whom I love, or Sylvester Stallone, but I think Cheri would have been funnier as Adrian. When I reminded producer Steve Higgins of it recently, he (understandably) couldn't remember whose idea it was, and thought that it might have even been Sylvester Stallone's. I wasn't privy to the decision-making process at the time it was my first week, after all. I remember thinking that was kind of bullshit. Cheri really wanted the part – she was little, she was from Philly, she could do a good imitation of Talia Shire – but instead, somebody thought it would be funnier to put her co-star Chris Kattan in a dress. The only other thing I remember about the Sylvester Stallone show was that they did a Rocky-themed monologue and they needed someone to play Rocky's wife, Adrian. But if you want to figure it out, here's a clue: the letters from their names are sprinkled randomly through this article. Who were the d-bags, you ask? I couldn't possibly tell you. Over the years I came to realise that the movie star hosts of the show were just people who wanted to do a good job and (with the exception of a very small handful of d-bags) were eager for any guidance. I went back outside and manually released my butt cheeks. My guess is that this was not the first time in his career he had been given that note. "Youcannunnastanme? Youneeme nanaunciate maw? OK." He couldn't have been more easygoing about it. Can you just enunciate a little more?" Stallone was unfazed. I muttered, "In the sketch, you were a little hard to understand. Judge Dredd himself was on the couch in an undershirt, smoking another cigar. My trademark obedience kicked in and I found myself knocking on the door and being ushered in. Scott's experience level was evident when he looked at me and shrugged: "You tell him." He had been there a year already, so I figured he'd know what to do. I stood nervously outside the host's dressing room with Scott. During the dress rehearsal, Lorne Michaels, the show's creator, gave us the note that he couldn't understand Stallone in the sketch and we should ask him to enunciate more. I followed Cheri and writer Scott Wainio around through rehearsal, occasionally pitching jokes for the sketch that were (rightfully) ignored. Needless to say, my sketch didn't get picked for the show, but I was assigned to help "cover" a sketch that the performer Cheri Oteri had written with another writer. I ended up submitting an old sketch that I had written as part of my job application. I wasn't used to sitting by myself and writing. I sat at my computer from 1pm Tuesday afternoon until 9am Wednesday morning and nothing came out. I don't remember what sketch ideas I pitched, but I know that on that first writing night, I completely froze up. Stallone smoked a cigar during the host meeting, which was pretty badass. They are often a little smaller and usually have nicer teeth, shoes and watches than anyone else in the room. Real movie stars do look different from regular people. It was the first time I had ever seen a real movie star up close.
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